We Control the Chaos.

   Daniel stormed down the apartment steps and headed straight to his car. As he flew down the sidewalk, he whipped out his cell phone and hastily sent a text.

Audrey I have to ask you somethilng can  i coem over

   He didn’t even wait for a response. He was in his car with the music blaring as soon as the text sent. He peeled away from the curb. What was Matthew even saying? Cassadee liked him? No way. Plus, he liked Audrey right? Well regardless, he knew Audrey liked him, so what did it matter?
   As he drove through the city, his thoughts kept flitting to Cass— what was she doing on her date, was she having a fun time, was he treating her right? He slammed his fist into the steering wheel making the horn sound. Why was she in his mind with such force?
   After ten minutes of sitting in traffic, he finally reached Audrey’s place. He checked his phone to find her response.

Of course babe come right on ovr ill be waitin ;)

   Babe? He shook his head and headed up the steps. She rang him in right away. Was she watching from the window? Again, he shook his head. Whatever.
   “Baby, I missed you!” Audrey exclaimed as she flung the door open and threw her arms around his shoulders.
   He hugged her back and followed as she led him down the hallway into the living room. He looked to the couch to find her roommate and some guy passed out.
   Audrey noticed his glance and waved her hand. “Just ignore them. Too much to drink…..I think.” She giggled. “Um, there’s room on my bed I guess.” She flopped down and patted the spot next to her.
   Daniel sat down and tapped his feet on the floor as his hands began to shake.
   “So, whatcha want to ask me honey?”
   Was this really what he wanted? He shook his head. Yes. He deserved a girlfriend, and Audrey was nothing like Matthew said. She was funny, outgoing, and, and, and well, she was pretty.
   Daniel turned to face her, and she smiled. “Would you be my girlfriend?”
   “Of course babe!” She flung herself towards Daniel and wrapped him in an embrace. “I thought you’d never ask.”
   That was done; he’d done it. 

   ———(insert more about Cassadee and Caleb’s date)——————

   Cassadee sighed with contentment as she entered the apartment later that evening. Matthew looked up from his paper and smiled. “Have fun?”
   “Oh Matthew. He’s so….wonderful. He’s kind. He remembers the little things. He’s smart. He even opened the door for me! And he is cute. It was wonderful.”
   “I’m glad Cass. You need this. But, I’m going to get ready for bed, so we can talk more in the morning.”
   “Alright Matthew. Thanks so much for everything. I’ll just check my Facebook and follow suit. Goodnight!” she yelled to him as he headed to the bathroom.
   Cass scrolled down the page to see what everyone had been up to that evening, but she stopped mid-scroll. Her heart stopped in her chest, her hand flew to her mouth, and she gasped. 
   Matthew emerged from the bathroom with a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. He saw Cass’s expression and hurried over. Through his mouth full of toothpaste, he managed to mumble a “What?”. He looked over her shoulder at the computer screen. Smack-dab in the middle of the screen was Cass’s most feared nightmare. 

Daniel Leonard is now in a relationship with Audrey McDaniels

   Matthew took the toothbrush out of his mouth. “Cass? Cass? Stay with me.”
   Cassadee swallowed and took a deep breath; however, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t tear her eyes away from that dreaded sentence. Her eyes began to well up with tears. 
   Matthew quickly shut the laptop. He grabbed ahold of Cassadee’s arm and yanked her to her feet. He gently led her down the hallway into her bedroom where she proceeded to crawl under her covers. 
   He kissed her forehead and shut the door. As soon as Cassadee heard the door click, she let her sobs go. She shoved her face into her pillow and let her emotions spill out.
   Matthew clutched his chest and slid down the hallway wall. He hated to hear Cassadee so affected. She didn’t deserve this. And somehow, he felt as if this was his fault. Maybe if he hadn’t of egged Daniel on, he wouldn’t be in a relationship. Then again, Daniel was nothing more than an idiot.
   Matthew let his head fall onto his knees, and that’s just how Cassadee found him the next morning.  

You point out my flaws as if I can’t already see them.
You pinpoint my insecurities as if you can see right through me.
You judge me based on looks.
You question my priorities, because I place other people before me.
You call me weak, because I break and fall apart.
You ignore me when you have something else to do.
You forget me as soon as I walk away. 
You think you know me, but you really don’t.

You are not a single person. You are everyone who judges. You are weak. It takes more strength to keep moving when everything is falling apart than it does to tear someone apart. Think about it. 

You have the absolute worst timing in everything. I swear. So last night, I had a dream that you texted me. Needless to say, I was beaming with joy. I went to text you back, but a beam of light shot out of my phone and into my eyes. Soon, this one beam became hundreds of beams until I squeezed my eyes shut. Then, when I opened them, I woke up, only to find the sun streaming in through my window. Sadly, there was no text from you awaiting me when I woke up. I was so proud of my strength, and you somehow find your way into my dreams again……through freaking text message. Can’t you just leave me alone? Stay out of my dreams. Stay out of my thoughts. Stay out of the side of my Facebook page. Just. leave. me. the. heck. alone. You don’t understand how much of a habit it is to want to say something to you. You really don’t. 

Imagine one of the most difficult emotional roller coasters ever and picture me on it. I want to talk to you. It makes me happy when we do. But then I’m sad when we don’t. So then I become strong. And then you fight your way through my defenses, unintentionally might I add, so I become angry. I become angry that I am so weak, angry that you can’t leave my mind. This is daily. This is constant. This will not leave me alone. Sigh. Two more months. Two more months. That’s it. And then no more reminders. No more thoughts. I’d tell you to remember that I’m always waiting and will never leave if you ever want to talk, but it looks like you’ve already left—- so why bother?

I started (and finished) this book this afternoon. After starting it, I couldn’t put it down— not even for a second. Why? Because this book captivated me with such an intense force and gripped my heart with such fresh memories that I was drawn into the world. I became a fourteenth reason— in my mind I felt guilt. I felt pain. I felt sadness. Thirteen Reasons Why is a novel about a girl named Hannah who commits suicide. Clay comes home from school to find a shoebox on his front porch. This shoebox is full of cassettes, cassettes recorded by the very same Hannah who had committed suicide two weeks earlier. These cassettes are filled with thirteen reasons as to why she decided to end her life- listing Clay as one of them. Throughout the whole novel, we read Hannah’s thoughts and reasoning behind her choice, and we witness just how much something can easily change a life. This book not only broke my heart with the way it was written,  but it broke my heart because it reminded me of a friend I’ve lost because of suicide. Part of me wishes I understood why. Part of me wishes I had a cassette to listen to to give me some explanation. But the other half couldn’t handle it. The other half feels guilty for not being there to listen when he was always there to listen to me. God. I can’t express how many times he assisted me with my ridiculous and petty problems whether they were school related or crush related. I don’t think I ever asked him if he was ok. I mean, once. And he explained his issue, and I tried to help. But now, I feel as if I could have stepped in— maybe said something. Would my efforts have been futile? God. Again, I don’t know. Maybe? But the thoughts sit there in the back of my mind and grow into an overwhelming force of sadness. Don’t ever say anything mean to anyone, because you have NO idea what they have to deal with. You have NO idea the thoughts that are consuming their mind. You have NO idea how much pain they feel struggling to survive another day. You don’t understand— I don’t understand. There are a few quotes from the book I need you to read and try to understand:

“You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything… affects everything.” - And that means everything. One stupid sentence or stupid rumor can ruin someone. One stupid reaction can break someone. Why do people feel the need to say mean things and be horrible in a world that’s already horrible as it is? We can’t afford to do that. Too many lives are at stake. Look around you. You have NO idea who’s struggling— heck, it might be you. But you can’t give up or give in. Not yet. Not when there are people here to listen. Not when there are people who care. Trust me. I care. I’ll listen. 

“Sometimes we have thoughts that even we don’t understand. Thoughts that aren’t even true—that aren’t really how we feel—but they’re running through our heads anyway because they’re interesting to think about.” - Never think you know the whole story based on rumor. Never think you know everything. Chances are, you don’t. 

“You can’t go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is…now.”- You can’t take back the things you’ve said or the things you’ve done. You can only move forward and try to patch up the damage that’s already been made. So think before you speak. Don’t think what you say can be forgotten, because it won’t be. 

There are so many more I could say, but I’ll stop for now. This got way too heavy for even me to handle. Just know that we have to be here to help those who need it. Just know how much of an impact you can have on someone. Never take kindness for granted and never be “mean” because it’s funny. There is so much more to life than that— there is so much more to a human being than that. 

I’m not that girl who has everything.
I’m not that girl who is perfect.
I’m not that girl who is gorgeous.
I’m not that girl who is flawless.  
I’m not that girl who is always confident.
I’m not that girl who parties every weekend.
I’m not that girl who has no problems.
I’m not that girl who has the perfect body.
I’m not that girl who is going to tell you everything on her mind.
I’m not that girl who is fearless.
I’m not that girl who can make the first move.
I’m not that girl who can face new fears alone.
I’m not that girl who will be seen on the cover of a magazine.
I’m not that girl who you think I am.
But you want to know what girl I am?
I am a self-confident, lost, confused, hopeful, dream filled, scared, imperfect girl who makes mistakes, wishes on stars, and prays for a happy-ending. I dream of saving the world. I strive for the impossible. And I keep going when nothing seems to matter. I’m me. And honestly, I’m perfect to myself. And that’s what’s most important.    

Couples.
I don’t understand what makes them feel the need to travel full-speed ahead into a relationship.
It’s like boarding a train to an unexpected place and the tracks ahead are broken.
You have to take it slow to see all the signs.
Especially if you’re only thirteen, but really, it’s relevant at any age.
Goodness. 
There is plenty of time to find the right person.
This said person becomes your other half— they have to make you better.
They have to appreciate and genuinely fall IN love with you. 
Not just love you. 
You have to feel completely comfortable.
There should never be any doubts if it’s true.
You want what’s best for them.
You would travel the world to only look in their eyes and say “I love you.” Even if it was the last time.
Sticking together through the ups and downs, not leaving and breaking up and giving up at the first sign of trouble.
If there is too much trouble, you’ll never be happy. You’ll struggle to stay together when chaos hits. You’ll struggle to be alone. You’ll struggle to move on. You’ll struggle to stay yourself.
If it’s real love, fight for it.
If it’s not, leave.
If it’s real love, trust it.
If it’s not, run.
Going too fast will only end up in a crash.
However, going too slow isn’t much better.
You might just miss your stop.
And that means you have to stay on the train until it makes a complete circle once again.
So get off at the right stop, not just any stop.
And make sure it’s the right time.
You don’t want to miss it, but you also don’t want to crash. 

Plain and simple. 
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.
I miss talking to you.
I miss joking around.
I miss hanging out.
I miss it all.
And I can’t help but wonder if you ever miss me.
For a second?
For a little while?
Am I there at all?
Do I still exist?
If not, so be it.
It still doesn’t change the fact that I miss you. 
That’s it.
That’s all.
I just simply miss you. 

You can write the ending to an unfinished story. 
If you let someone else hold the pen, it’s no longer your story. 
You have absolutely no control of the ending.
Why be afraid of the outcome if you’re writing it?
You have the choice to pick up the pen and keep writing it.
Don’t leave the pen on the table.
Don’t leave the story open to an empty page.
Fill each and every page with happiness, sadness, anger, love, fear, rejection, family, friends, life.
Each time you turn the page, you choose to keep going.
And don’t let someone else pick the pen up.
Don’t let them write your story.
This is yours, not theirs.

I’m actually getting over you. I’m actually moving on. I’m actually moving forward. 

You see, I repeat four words over and over again when you pop into my head. They are stupid. They are irrelevant. They are totally nothing about anything, except, they are my reminder that I can get over you. It feels good to smile again with you on my mind. Because, I missed that. I missed feeling happy when you did talk rather than sad when you didn’t. Funny thing is, now, I could really care less. I mean sure, it hurts a little. It won’t go away just like that. C’mon. Give me a little more time. But, just know that I’m smiling. And I’m happy. And I know I’ll be alright. But, I do want to tell you something. This quote I read will tell you better, so here goes: “I miss you. Not in some sappy ‘I love you baby, let’s hold hands and be together forever’ sort of way. I just miss you, that’s all. Plain and simple. I miss having you to talk to. I miss your presence in my life. I miss my best friend.” So when you remember me, talk to me. I’m always here. I’m always waiting. I promise.  

   As the boys continued to clean the disastrous mess in the bathroom, I used my room and the kitchen as my new “go-to.” I rushed from room to room in an effort to make myself look great, but not in that “I tried so hard to impress you” look. My dress was ruined, so I settled on a simple white tee and jeans with just the right accessories of course. I hadn’t seen Caleb in over four years. I didn’t know what to expect. 
   I looked over myself in an effort to feel comfortable. Again, what was I doing? I found Daniel and Matthew seated in the living room. As I entered, they both became silent and stared at me.
   “What?” I freaked. “Is there something on my face? Is this outfit wrong? I knew I should’ve picked different shoes. Help me!”
   “No. No. You look absolutely gorgeous,” Matthew said, as he stood to greet me.
   I looked at the ground and smiled. “Thank you best friend.”
   I looked at Daniel, and he silently nodded to me. I took that as a “you look great” look, but I could’ve been wrong. Daniel was impossible to read.
   “Well, I should be heading out,” I said as I grabbed my purse and headed to the door. Matthew and Daniel followed me.
   I gave Matthew a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Go get him tiger,” he smirked. I smiled back.
   I stood in front of Daniel, and we hugged awkwardly. “Um, have fun tonight,” he said.
   “Thanks. Um, you have fun with your girlfriend,” I nodded.
   “She’s not my girlfriend,” he shot back.
   “…….eventually,” I whispered.
   “Yeah. Eventually,” he repeated. He looked to the ground, and I shuffled out the door. I couldn’t think about him tonight. This night was me and Caleb— a night for new beginnings. 
   Matthew and Daniel stood by the door. The silence was broken by Matthew’s fist knocking against Daniel’s arm. “What the heck are you doing man?!” yelled Daniel.
   “Are you that much of a freaking idiot to not realize that she likes you dude?!” exclaimed an exasperated Matthew.
   “Wait, what are you talking about?” asked Daniel. 
   Matthew sighed and headed to the couch. “Just go hang with your ‘girlfriend.’” 
   “Hey. Don’t come pointing fingers at me man,” said Daniel. “You like her. Why don’t you do something about it?”
   Matthew combed his fingers through his hair. “You don’t understand. She’s my best friend. I…I can’t be stupid.”
   “So,” said Daniel. “Let me just be with my girlfri— I mean friend like I want.”
   “What? Audrey? She’s a social-networking obsessed, self-absorbed, clingy, jealous girl. She ‘loves’ you? You aren’t even official yet!” yelled Matthew.
   “You don’t know her!” spat Daniel. “Just keep your head in your own business a**hole. You don’t know anything.”
   “Her Facebook tells me everything I need,” replied Matthew.
   “You know what? Whatever. I’m done with this. I’m out of here.” Daniel stormed through the living room and slammed open the door.
   “You know what Daniel?” Daniel stopped but continued to stare into the hallway.
   “We used to be best friends. Remember that? Before you started dating that other self-absorbed, jealous, clingy girl named Jordan. Remember her?” Daniel cringed but stayed forward. “You said you never wanted to go back to that again, so you broke up with her. Three months later, she was back, and I was gone. I didn’t know what happened to you until one day, Cass comes in excited about this new boy she met at work. His name was Daniel, and he was the new photojournalist— only issue was, he had a girlfriend. I shook my head. No way. I was shocked. Daniel? Daniel Leonard? My old best friend? Well, she comes in a few weeks later overly-excited. The reason? Daniel and Jordan broke up. She started hanging out with you. She would come home ranting and raving about how he was different than any other guy she’d ever dated…except they weren’t dating. She wished they were. But she was totally okay with it, because she had a new best friend. She trusted you. She brought you here and introduced us. We pretended to meet for the first time. Wasn’t that weird? Then one day, she comes to me broken. Apparently he was in a relationship with someone and never happened to mention it. So, I told her to go tell this Daniel everything. She goes and runs. But she says she’s fine now. She says she can handle it. But you don’t know anything. So go hang out with Audrey if you really want to go back to that. It’s all you.”
   Daniel proceeded to slam the door shut and leave. Matthew then put his head in his hands. Just then, his cell phone buzzed. He flipped the screen open to see a familiar name.

Cass: He’s just like I remember! So sweet and genuine. And gorgeous to boot! Matthew— I’m not afraid anymore. He can help me forget Daniel. :) Oop, but he’s coming back with our coffee, so I’ll fill you in when I come back. Ahh! :D 

Matthew threw his phone on the table. That’s what he was afraid of. She couldn’t fool herself to be in love with Caleb just to forget about Daniel, could she? There’s no way. But then again, Daniel shattered her heart without even understanding—- there was no telling just how messed up she really was. At least not yet.  

You know, I thought I was doing so well. You weren’t crossing my mind nearly as much. I wasn’t yearning to receive a message of thought from you. I wasn’t staring at my phone waiting for the screen to light up. I wasn’t trying to start up a conversation throughout the day. But just as soon as I think I’m stronger, you have to cross my mind. Some stupid song or stupid word will trigger some stupid thought. And as if you weren’t in my mind while I was awake, you would appear in my dreams. The one place I’d like to escape to has been invaded by you. I can’t wait for my friends to pick me up in my dream without you pulling up in the car I’m familiar with. I can’t not say yes to you either. So of course all we do is drive around and talk and talk and talk, until the moon and stars rise in the night sky. You pull over and help me out of the car. As we walk along the dirt road, you put my hand in yours and pull me closer. We walk with our hands entwined. Soon, we emerge upon a clearing, lit up with little lights. I look at you to find you staring at me with that familiar smirk. You pull me to the ground, and we fall in a heap on the floor. We lay there looking at the beauty surrounding us. I wake with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face for a memory I’d like to have but a realization that we never will. Could you not invade my dreams please? I mean, not unless you plan on staying there. I can’t hold on much longer. I have to let go.