There is a chaos in my mind
when I think about my future.
when I think about my present.
when I think about my past.
when I do my homework.
when I watch movies.
when I listen to music.
when I apply for internships.
when I write stories.
when I write tumblr posts.
when I talk to strangers.
when I see attractive fellows.
when I think about life.
There is a constant chaos in my mind.
I can’t remember the last time I felt completely calm and at ease, and that scares me.
Sometimes all I ever want is to feel loved.
you just want someone to make you happy. You want someone to be there for you to hold you and brush your hair back and make you laugh. You want someone to love you when it seems like there is nothing to love in the world. You want someone who will let you rant and he’ll just know that all you need is him. But sometimes, you aren’t lucky enough to have someone. One of my best friends told me the other day, that she admires my ability to be independent and told me that I’m going to go so far in my life. And that made me feel good, because that’s one of the biggest parts of myself that I admire. I’ve never had anyone to love me, and I’ve never loved anyone (in that sense of a forever romance). But that kind of sucks sometimes. I sometimes question if there is something wrong with me. Why? Why am I the way I am? Broke and alone, broke and alone- is what I kept repeating this weekend as a joke, but in all seriousness, I am broke and sometimes feel alone. I wish I had that go to comfort person, but instead it’s me and hatty for life. I’m okay with that for now, bit I wonder when that’s going to change.
is my hero because he works so hard to give me and my sister opportunities we don’t need. We’re at the median income for a family of four in Indiana. We’re considered lower middle class/middle class depending on whose definitions you go by. We have enough to get by, but we don’t have enough to send me to London to study for a semester. The price to go costs more than my car would be (but I’ve never had my own car so). My scholarship covers a lot of it, but not the $8,000 I need to cover the rest of it plus everything else. I found out that I could increase my loan so I threw that idea out to my dad today. He told me to drop the idea. I told him that this was a burden I needed to carry, not him. He told me that he’s doubling six days a week and putting money off to the side for me. I told him he needs to stop it and let me handle this. He told me he didn’t want me having to carry a financial burden when I graduate. I told him I’m luckier than most students (I’ll only be $6,000 in debt by the time I graduate going at this rate). He told me he wants to keep it that way. He doesn’t need to do any of this. He could be putting into the house or my mom’s hospital bills to get rid of those faster, but instead, he’s worried about my financial burden and my future. He is not lazy. He’s never been lazy. He works so hard, and I don’t know how he does it. We both barely sleep, but I sit in class all day and he works as a mechanic at a steel mill, fixing machines and working in dangerous situations. My dad is my hero because he believes in me and wants to see me succeed. My dad is my hero because he puts my sister and I first. My dad is my hero, and I don’t know if I can do anything to make it up to him.
until my flight leaves for London.
I now know exactly why
I don’t feel like myself.
It’s because I’m not allowed to be.
And now I don’t know what to do.
Ever have one of those days
where everything is falling apart?
You feel no motivation?
You’re being yelled at and made to feel worthless?
That’s today. That’s this week. That’s this month. That’s this whole semester.
I’m unhappy, and I hate every second of it. I just want to disappear and avoid everyone for a long time. I don’t want to do anything.
I’m not good enough. Everything I do is wrong. I’m not going to accomplish anything.
This words are attacking me with a force I’ve never felt before.
I think I’ll just pop in a sad movie in wallow in my self-pity. I mean really though.
There’s nothing else to do.
I was scouring political posts on tumblr
just to see what people are saying, and I am disgusted at the way people treat each other and speak to each other. We are all free to hold our own opinions, but when you start viciously attacking someone and spouting racial slurs or attacking sexuality, you have a problem. I don’t care who you support, but that is unacceptable. Another thing that angered me is the constant attack on religion. These posts you make about Muslims and their beliefs are wrong. First off, the religion is Islam. Secondly, have you ever met any Muslim people? I have worked closely with the Muslim community on my campus because of stories I’ve written, and through them, I have learned so much about the Koran and what the Islamic religion entails. Intolerance is an ugly face that looks good on nobody. Knowledge is power, so empower yourselves, please.
Trying to find inspiration after it’s been missing for over a month is one of the worst experiences ever. I’ve looked at the sky and under my bed and into dreams, and I have found not a trace. I saw a sliver peek through my blinds one morning, but I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, it was gone. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad or overwhelmed or tired. I’m thinking too much. And it’s a pain. I’ll figure myself out. I will. I have to.
When everything seems to fall apart,
you have to remember to hold on, because once they hit the floor, something better is put together. Last night I was freaking out about this week, this month, next month, my life- but now, I’m so overwhelmed with the feeling that I can accomplish anything. There isn’t much I’ve accomplished today, but I finally have the feeling that I am strong enough back. I can do this. Things will work out. Everything will be finished. Life is a challenge, but it’s a beautiful challenge. I can’t wait to see where I go in the next few months. I don’t have an exact plan, but for the first time in a long time, I’m okay.
Sometimes, well, most of the time, I sit and complain about everything I have to do. I feel stressed out and angry and uncomfortable. I talk about my awful day and how I need a break, but what I fail to mention is that I’m lucky to feel this way. Everything that is stressing me out is an opportunity for my future to grow. I’m going to college to meet people and learn how to have a career. I am having doors open for me, and instead of embracing it, I’m whining about my to-do list. Some people aren’t lucky to have things to do. Some people are struggling to get through a day alive. Some people go through life fearing that today might be their last. My biggest fears consist of what my future holds in terms of my career and who I’m going to marry. My problems are small in the scheme of things, and I feel bad for worrying about what I have. I’ve never been given everything I’ve ever wanted, my family isn’t rich, and life isn’t simple; but all in all, I have a pretty blessed life, and I have to think about that more.
My friends and I have started to say “that is so Eleanor” to describe clothing items that we think are super cute. It has now become the greatest compliment we can give each other. It’s whatever.